Is That Supposed to Entice Me, Captain?
by CelCastillo
Summary: Spock, the Sass Master . Kirk, "Perfect" Use of Horrible Pick-Up Lines Master . Then there was Uhura's Abs Overuse of the TM symbol. You have been warned. It was 3 in the morning and a dare. It's rly cracky. I don't know if its the good kind or not. I like to think its funny. It was physically painful to write and it should be physically painful to read. Written in comic sans.


Spock sat opposite of Kirk, or Jim, as the Captain had asked him to call him. Spock was well on his way to losing this game of chess against the Captain and had yet to find it in himself to care. What he did care about, however, was the Captain's deteriorating sense of fashion. It was the green v-neck that the Captain had started wearing from once every few months to once a week. Why the captain thought it would acceptable to wear such a garment, Spock did not know.

"Mr. Spock™, I believe you are merely 12 moves away from Losing™."

"Excuse me, Captain?"

"I've told you to call me, Jim™. It's Your Move™, by the way."

Spock's eyebrows twitched slightly and glanced down at the board. "Of course, Jim." Spock moved one of his pieces and put his mind back on the topic of the Captain. "Are you well, Jim?"

"I'm Fine™. Why do you ask?" Jim smiled, which made Spock feel something akin to nausea, as illogical as it sounded. He had figured, after he consulted Nyota, that humans called them 'butterflies in their stomach'.

"I am asking in regards to your odd speech patterns. I do not believe it is normal for a human to speak 'trademark' out loud. Unless I am incorrect in my assessment, of course."

"Uh, well…"

"I am concerned for your wellbeing, Captain. Are you choking? Your face has reached an alarming shade of red."

"I'm good, but you are Absolutely Fine™. I have a question for you, Spock."

"Proceed."

"Are you From Tennessee™?"

"You know perfectly well, Jim, that-"

"Because you're the only Ten™ that I see."

"I suggest that you alert Doctor McCoy and go to Medbay. If you are in need of assistance, I am more than able to provide such."

"I'm Sure You Are™, Mr. Spock™. Your concern is Noted™ and Appreciated™. I was wondering, is your Mother a Beaver™? Because, honestly, Damn™!"

"Captain, while I am used to humans, in general, making no logical sense, that has to be one of the most illogical sentences that I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing."

"Are you used to me making Logical Sense™?"

"I-" Spock only had to give it a few seconds of consideration. "No, I am not."

"You know what my Problem™ is, Spock?"

"Many things, Captain?"

"My mom thinks I'm Straight™. Do you think you could help me prove her wrong?"

"Could you clarify that, Jim? I did not know that you were on speaking terms with your mother."

"No, I haven't actually talked to my mom. You know, you're 75% water and I'm pretty Thirsty™."

"That statistic is incorrect, Captain, and I do not understand how that pertains to your level of hydration. Could water deprivation be the cause of your out of character behavior?"

"You look Great And All™, but you know what would look Even Better™ on You™? Me™."

"Captain? Jim? What are you doing?"

Spock had never been fonder of Nyota than in this moment. Jim had turned red, yet again, and it looked as if he was in serious need of air or possibly water. Spock was more than a little concerned for the health of the Captain.

"Ah, Miss Uhura," Jim smiled. "What brings you to Our Table™?"

"What the fuck Jim?"

"I find that to be an accurate response. I am also confused about what you are trying to express."

"Oh, Spock…"

"Lieutenant?"

"Jim, get your Head Out of Your Ass™ and stop being a Confusing Dick™. Spock, don't let Jim pull one over on you."

"I will endeavor to do my best, Lieutenant."

"Consider myself fully Chastised™, Uhura."

Spock watched Nyota walk away, more confused than he was when she first came over there. He turned back to Jim. "Could you please explain yourself, Jim?"

"I'll put it simply, Mr. Spock; I wish I was your Derivative™ so I could lie tangent to your curves."

"That does not clarify matters." And the shirt is no less distracting. Then it seemed as if Jim's purpose became shockingly clear."Is that supposed to Entice™ me, Captain?"

* * *

"Why the _fuck_ are they saying trademark out loud? How cringy can Captain Kirk get?"

"I don't know bro, and adding that to his dressing decisions, but honestly, have you seen Uhura's Abs™?"

"Jesus fucking Christ… it's unfair of you to exploit my weakness. Why can't you just leave it alone?"


End file.
